Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
