Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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