I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
