she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
