After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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