So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
