apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
