I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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