She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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