i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
