so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize