How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My bed smells like the plague
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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