i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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