You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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