On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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