I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize