I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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