Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
