ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
