3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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