you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
