The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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