Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
