this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
