My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
