i will never coherently bang her
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
