i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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