1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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