I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
this hospital has no fireball
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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