Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We need a shit load of segways right now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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