I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
