Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
