He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
