Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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