I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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