just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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