I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
