The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
