im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
