I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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