wrigley field is MILF paradise
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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