Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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