So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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