This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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