I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
