My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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