I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
