I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
