My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
