u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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