My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
MIDGETS
????
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
