i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
