she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I will be naked everywhere
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Your penis caused this!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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