I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
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